How to really lose a guy in 10 days!!!

You’ve seen the movie (c’mon don’t lie…we know you did), but you can’t remember a thing about it.

Have no fear, here’s the real list on how to lose a guy in 10 days.

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS

Day 1 – Cry all day for no reason. If the crying doesn’t get him, the fact that there’s no reason for it will.

Day 2 – Take a Dump in his guitar, or whatever else he holds near and dear to his heart. This can work with a home entertainment system, a sports car, or a Macbook Pro. (And don’t go that whole “girls don’t poop” routine because we know y’all can drop bombs with the best of them. There, I said it.)

Day 3 – Mimic him like a 6-year old. It’s unbearably annoying when your kids do this for 5 seconds, imagine the torture of listening to an adult do it for an entire day. “imagine the torture of listening to an adult do it for an entire day.”

Day 4 – Tell him how attractive his friends are. And if you’re really feeling it, blow up a picture of his best friend and hang it like a poster on your side of the bedroom. This will really boost his confidence.

Day 5 – Wear his rival team’s gear. If Lily walked around the house in a Green Bay Packers uniform all day, my brain would explode in a confused mess by lunchtime. (be careful with this one…if there were any hardballs lying around the house, I might subconsciously fire a fastball under her chin to send her a message without even realizing it.)

Day 6 – Get the Kate haircut. Kate plus 8 can rock the reverse mullet. You can’t.

Day 7 – Tell him he’s wicked gross. Don’t elaborate or get specific, just tell him he’s gross. From birth until 5th grade this was the highest compliment a girl could give a guy. From 6th grade on, it’s the biggest insult.

Day 8 – Adopt 12 cats. It gives me the chills just typing it. I’d rather have ants, termites or rabid wolverines in my house than cats.

Day 9 – Go on a Home Shopping Network spending spree. Watch 12 straight hours of HSN and order multiple items of every other product. Preface every purchase with comments like,  “We TOTALLY need that solar powered shiatsu armpit massager” and “I have ALWAYS dreamed of owning seven Esteban classical guitars!”

Day 10 – Don’t Believe in Him. When Lily affirms me (in word or action), it makes me feel like I can run through a brick wall while writing the next great American novel and juggling 10 flaming porcupines. Nothing deflates a guy quicker than feeling like he’s got no support system, so tell him he ain’t got you babe.