*by “went out”, I mean that we referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend and occasionally made eye contact while passing notes. There was no “going” anywhere. As I’ve said before, you can Google “Worst Boyfriend Ever” and read all about my junior high relationships.
(ranked from least to most heart-wrenching)
1 – The Note.
This is the easiest way to get dumped. You can read the news slowly or get it over quickly. Choose Your Own Breakup Pace! You can also use the note to dry your tears, so bonus points if she scribbled it down on a napkin during lunch. Later that night you can re-read the note for the 375th time, looking for clues to see if there’s a chance she’s still into you. And when you finally realize it’s over, you can burn the note and feel some real closure. It’s a win for everyone.
2 – The Friendly Water Fountain.
My research has shown that 41% of all middle school breakups occur at the water fountain. There must be something about water that tastes like dirty iron that is an antidote for love. But hey, at least she asked YOUR friend to deliver the news to you. What she’s saying is, “I don’t care enough about you to do this gently, but I’m sure Jason does so I’ll let him tell you that I think you’re an idiot and not nearly as cute as you were last week.” And if Jason’s a real friend he’ll leave out the details and just tell you you’re dumped, and then he’ll ask you to come over later to play Contra on his Nintendo to help with the healing process because he knows the code to get 30 lives instead of 3. Now that’s a real friend.
3 – The Enemy Water Fountain.
This is just like the last one, except it’s HER friend and she doesn’t let you down as easy as your buddy did. Probably because she was the one trying to convince her best friend to dump you for the last two weeks. She probably even cracked a slight smile when she delivered the news that made you want to punch her in the face. But you didn’t because you’re a lover, not a fighter. And because she could probably beat you up.
4 – The Alexander Graham Bell.
Of all the ways to get the news directly from your (ex)-girlfriend, over the phone is definitely the easiest. You can’t see the smile on her face and she can’t see your ugly “I’m trying not to cry” face. And if things get too awkward, either of you can just hang up and destroy the phone call the way she just destroyed your heart. Thanks for nothing, technology.
5 – The After School Special.
If she’s going to dump you face to face, at least she did it right as you were leaving school. This gives you a solid 16 hours to go through the 7 stages of grieving. And hey, if you can successfully make yourself puke in the morning by thinking about making out with the mustachioed cafeteria lady when she’s got a mouthful of school french fries, you can stay home from school and turn that 16 hours into 40!
6 – The Home Room Special.
Can you do it? Can you get through the entire day without processing the fact that she dumped you before first period? Thank goodness you’re a man and you know how to compartmentalize. Speaking of compartments, what’s going to happen when she walks by your locker after second period like she does every day? For the past 3 weeks you gave her that flirty “I’d totally be making out with you right now if I wasn’t such a loser” smile and she always gave you the “You are a loser, but you’re MY loser” smile right back. Man, you’re gonna miss being her loser…aaaaaand here come the tears.
7 – The Hallway Rumor.
“Umm, thanks for consoling me about the break up Jared, but like I told the last 4 people who offered condolences, Jennie and I are fine. Really, things have never been better between us…Oh hi Principal Calfman. What’s that? You’re sorry to hear that I got dumped? It was all the talk in the Teacher’s Lounge? Hm…weird. Jennie and I are gonna have a hearty laugh about this on our date tonight.”
8 – The Cold Shoulder.
What hurts the most about this one is it’s a gradual death, like taking 3 hours to rip off a band-aid. You started noticing that she was acting differently yesterday, and today it seems to be getting worse. She’s not smiling at you like she used to, she’s only giving you one word answers, and you could have sworn you saw her giving you two middle fingers in the window reflection at lunch. She hasn’t officially dumped you yet, but really, she doesn’t have to.
9 – The Ring and Run.
What’s that mom? Jessica’s at the door? Awesome…can’t believe my girlfriend came to my house on a school night! Hey girl, what’s up…what?…you’re breaking up with me???…wait wait, don’t leave…I don’t care if your mom’s waiting in the car, you can’t just dump me on my doorstep! Where are you going that’s so important?…Eric Mitchell’s house? Why are you going to Eric Mitchell’s house and what’s with the bottle of massage oil in your pocket?
10 – The Slow Dance Breakup.
You missed the first hour of the dance because your mom had to drop your sister off at a sleepover party, but you’re here now. Ooh, and just in time for a slow dance as soon as you find Tara…and there she is…dancing with Jason Weber…who appears to be supporting her from falling over by cradling both of her but cheeks in his hands…and who also appears to be reviving her from suffocation by using mouth to mouth CPR…and I guess it worked because she’s smiling now…and now she’s giving him mouth to mouth…I think I just got dumped.
No comments:
Post a Comment